Kat Eye Studio

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Making Space

As I play with the concept of intention the last couple of days, I am finding an adjacent concept of space. Call it space, openness, expansiveness, or freedom – all represent the feeling that I am sensing should come along with an intention. My impression is that when I set an intention, it should not be for a specific outcome. When I intend with a specific outcome, I close down the options; narrow the possible results. Look at the words I’m using: close down, narrow. In direct opposition to open and expansive.

A place to pause in Korkula, Croatia

Whoa, I thought intentions were supposed to be specific and clear? You know, the Law of Attraction and all that.

But now I’m considering, maybe they shouldn’t be “specific and clear” in the way I was thinking – in terms of actions or results. Maybe I need to get clear on the desired outcome in terms of how I feel and not in terms of what actually happens. In my search for beauty on Saturday, there were multiple ways it could have been found. I didn’t limit the possibilities with my intention, I didn’t set any expectations, and the results were surprising, delightful and immensely satisfying.

Aha, there’s a clue in the previous sentence: Intentions are not expectations. I’ve tried to shed expectations recently, and hold open the space that comes when the expectations are cleared. All of this is related.

Here’s what I’m thinking:
– Intentions relate to feelings or internal, non-physical ways of being.
– Expectations relate to outcomes or external, physical results.

There is space and openness with an intention, because there is no attachment to a specific, physical result. None of that expectation stuff. If I intend to live a life filled with beauty, peace and love there are multiple ways that can happen. It doesn’t require a specific outcome, if I’m open to the possibilities that present themselves. If I intend (expect) to live in a mansion and have 10 cars, I am tied to a specific outcome. I’m going to be disappointed, disillusioned and unhappy when it doesn’t come to pass.

I’m going to continue to play with this concept of intention. It feels like I’m on the right track. Thanks for following my meandering thoughts today, as I work through these concepts. I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences and suggestions too!

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The Simplicity of Intention

When I went in search of beauty on Saturday, I found it. I rediscovered the beauty of flowers against warm stone. I revisited a time and a place from a couple of years ago. I recreated a feeling of peaceful exploration through my images from Korkula. It was a joy.

Is this an example of intention? I wanted beauty. I intended beauty. I found beauty. It seems too simple, but maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s the perfect example, showing that intention is not hard. It just is. Wherever we set our attention, wherever we place our thoughts, we develop intention. When we switch it around, putting intention first, it changes the dynamic. Our thoughts and attention follow.

The concept of “intention” has been coming up for me a lot lately. It’s as if there is a cosmic neon sign flashing, “Start here.” This example tells me maybe I’ve been struggling too hard with it. It really is this simple: Intend beauty. Find it.

I sense there is more for me around intention… things like not trying to control outcomes, and being open to what comes. But this is enough for today. I’m going to keep it simple, and enjoy the beauty I found.

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Lessons from Abroad: Letting Go of Expectations

[Started while living in Italy, the Lessons from Abroad series shares some of the life lessons I learned through my expatriate experience. Since moving back to the US, I’ve found the lessons from living abroad have not abated; just changed. This post continues the periodic series.]

Each of us has a different path through life. Each of us has our own choices to make. We should make the choices with our own hearts in mind, finding the best option for us in the moment. We should be watchful for where we might be choosing to live up to the expectations of others, rather than what’s right for us. This is an area I’ve done a lot of personal work, and feel stronger about ensuring that I’m not following someone else’s path for me. I’m not trying to live up to someone else’s expectations. That’s a good place to be.

The new problem, I’ve recently discovered, is that I’ve been full of my own expectations. Expectations I made for myself while in Italy, upon return home to the US. I returned with many “this is how it’s going to be” statements. I was so worried about losing the personal growth I found in my expatriate experience that I set a path for myself to follow. I made plans. And while I’ve followed those plans for the most part, it’s been with increasing struggle and frustration. I’ve come to realize why – the plans and expectations set for myself while in Italy (let’s call that version of me “Italy Kat”) were done with the best intentions, but without knowing the reality of the situation.

Only the version of me that exists now, in this place and this moment, knows the reality of the situation. Only I can choose what’s best and right for me now. But I’ve become increasingly aware of this little voice in my head as I make new plans, saying, “But you planned… expected… thought…” The voice is Italy Kat, and she’s constantly judging the decisions I make now against the plans I made then. She’s constantly on the lookout for places where I’m off the path she set for me. And she’s quick to make me feel as if I’m falling down on the job if things don’t turn out as she planned.

So I struggle. And I get frustrated. And I discover it’s due to nothing else but my own expectations.

I discover this because the last of my Italy Kat expectations are starting to fray. One by one, over the past months, I’ve had to unravel these expectations. I did have big plans for what life would be like upon moving home. I wonder if I wanted to recreate my Italy experience here. I know now, I can’t. We are in a different place, leading different lives, with different needs. My Italian experience was wonderful, beautiful and life-changing. But I can no longer live my life under the shadow of that experience, with the expectations I set for myself during that time. It’s time to hug Italy Kat, thank her for her only wanting only the best for me, and send her back to Italy where she belongs so that I can get on with the business of living my life the way it needs to be lived. Here. Today.

So I find myself learning another important Lesson from Abroad, almost ten months after repatriation: Living to please and follow the expectations of an older self is just as damaging as living to please others. If we live our lives to please others we only find ourselves empty and unhappy in the end. We lose who we are. It’s the same for our own selves, with the expectations set in another place and time. If we live the path we defined for ourselves in the past, we won’t grow. In trying to keep my Italy experience alive, I wasn’t allowing myself to grow into new experiences. I was starting to lose the very thing that was so important to me – the connection to my heart and soul. That connection must be ongoing, in the moment. It can’t live in the past.

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think it’s only obvious to me because the dramatic differences in life that repatriation brought. Has this ever happened to you? Do you recognize yourself in my words? I’ve thought through some steps to help me move through this, and they may be helpful for you as well.

  • If you are struggling in an area, not feeling satisfied because it’s not turning out “as expected,” take a close look at where the expectations are coming from. Are they from a plan that you created for yourself in the past?
  • One you identify the expectation, acknowledge it. State the expectation, make it real. So often these are unspoken expectations, hiding in the background, and it takes acknowledging it to begin to deal with it.
  • Forgive your former self for setting the expectation. Acknowledge and thank her for having your best interests at heart.
  • Let the expectation go. A ceremony might be helpful here, in order to physically act out the letting go of expectations. I’m planning on writing all of Italy Kat’s expectations down on slips of paper and then burning them, letting the ashes blow away in the breeze. Even visualizing this has already helped me let them go.
  • From this clear state, look at the choices you need to make and decide which next steps you want to take on your path. This may take some time, as there is no longer a guiding expectation from the past. As you create a new plan, recognize that you are setting new expectations. Make these openly and with flexibility. Give yourself permission to adjust along the way.
  • Breathe deep, and take the first step on your new path, free and unburdened by the past.

I am still working through these steps for myself. I’ve recognized, acknowledged and let go the expectations set by Italy Kat. I have the blank slate in from of me now. I don’t know that the next step I take will be much different than the one that Italy Kat would have wanted me to take, but I know that I will be doing it for the right reasons now. I will be choosing with my whole heart and soul, in the moment, within the reality of now. That’s the best I can ever hope to do.

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Year Eleven

In this moment, eleven years ago, I was in labor with my son. I don’t remember much of that day, just flashes of images and feelings. I do remember it was a Thursday, like this year, because I remember watching Survivor in the evening while waiting to go in for a C-section after 21 or so hours of labor that didn’t progress. Isn’t it funny, that’s what I remember clearly? That’s about all you’ll get from me about the whole experience. While the birth experience seemed a big deal at the time, since then I’ve discovered it’s irrelevant in the whole. It’s the life experience that really matters for a child.

So here he is, eleven years old today. At times self-assured and confident in who he is, at times unsure and finding his way. On the verge of those teenage years, I see the mix of teen and child in him almost every day.

Brandon on the mosaic steps in San Francisco

He wants his independence but he still wants the comfort of his parents. He still asks me to snuggle before bed, enjoying the quiet time together. He will still grab our hand to hold when he’s not thinking about it. We don’t say anything when that happens, we just quietly enjoy it because sooner or later he will realize that he’s holding our hand and snatch it away. In his mind, he’s too old for that.

I see glimpses of who he is at his heart, and where he may struggle in life. There are some ways he is so similar to me or my husband, and we know how these traits have affected us. We know what we’ve had to overcome. How it affects him remains to be seen, I must remember. He is his own person.

Off on his own, reading while his parents enjoy the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art

As I do every year on this day, I pause for a moment to reflect on what it means to be a parent. Parenting continues to be the most challenging and personal job I’ve experienced. It’s funny how it’s just assumed you will grow up, get married and have kids. As if it’s the easy path because most everyone does it. But it seems to me, being responsible for the growth of a young soul as a parent is possibly the most challenging path of all.

I want to do a good job, for my son. He deserves it.

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Black and White with Shades of Grey

To color or not to color, that is the question. No, I’m not talking about photography, although it’s easy to get caught up in the color vs. black and white debate there. I’m talking about… hair.

This silly little question has taken up way too much of my brain space since returning from Italy. Not too long after moving from Italy I remember looking around a meeting at my corporate job and realizing that of the women in the room, all my age and older, I was the only one with any grey hair. There was lots of distinguished grey among the men in our similar age range, but not the women. Now, I know that’s not natural. I was the only one not coloring my hair.

So my brain starting working. Debating. Is it time to color? Do I need to color? What does it take to color? Would I feel better about myself if I no longer had grey hair? The arguments “against” are strong to my practical nature: Once I start coloring, I’m going to want to continue. It’s an added expense and activity that will go on and on. If I decide later I don’t want the color anymore, I’ll have to go through that horrible “growing out grey” phase.

But the arguments “for” are enticing. Coloring my hair would be another fashion choice. Something I could change on a whim, even more readily than my clothes. I could experiment. I would look younger.

I haven’t decided the outcome of the debate yet, as this self-portrait will attest. Or maybe I have. I hold out on color because of the commitment, but I also think there is more to it for me than that. I think I’m worried I might lose track of me, somewhere in the color. Lose track of some essence that says, “Hey, Kat, you are ok just as you are, hair and all.” If I’m not willing to accept a few grey hairs, a natural part of life, what other things will I want to change? Most things about me can’t be revised so easily.

So here I stay. In black and white with shades of grey. What’s you take on the color debate?

In The Picture

This month’s {in the picture} theme is “black and white.” All of my self-portraits in this project so far have been black and white, so the theme was not a stretch. The subject matter, however — me — is the stretch. I continue to be delightfully surprised at my growing ability to think of a concept for the self-portrait and then execute on it. This method of photography is different from my usual mode of operation, where I’m exploring my environment and finding compositions with my camera. I’m enjoying myself so far.

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Redefining My Art

In my newsletter article over the weekend, I wrote about redefining productivity. How I haven’t been feeling productive recently, but that feeling was based on an old definition. I’m not sure where the old definition came from exactly – my old artistic practices combined with external influences, perhaps. It was a reminder that I seem to gather these definitions and rules up as I go along in life. I think we all do. Sometimes we need to reexamine them and redefine them.

What was more important in that article than redefining productivity, I realize today, is the redefinition of my art. I wrote, “My art is using photos and words to explore the connection between heart and the world around us.” Up to now, I haven’t quite figured out where I “fit” in the photography world. If you look at what I practice and write and teach it’s not standard “photography.” It’s something different. Something that doesn’t have a word for it. I’m an artist that combines photos and words together. For me, they can’t be separated.

Realizing that brings freedom. I can remove the labels from who I am, what I do. I can just be me, as I have been, but without trying to figure out where I fit. I don’t fit any standard mold. I can be the seamless blend, like building and sky in this photograph, if I choose. (And no, the photograph was not edited to look this way.)

It can be uncomfortable, though, being without a title. Being without name that defines me, in the eyes of others. It makes it harder to communicate what I do, what I care about. That makes it all the more important to keep using the “words” part of my art. Maybe someday I’ll come up with one word that communicates my art to others. Until then, I’m going to memorize this phrase:

My art is using photos and words to explore the connection between heart and the world around us.

I have a feeling that this moment may be as important as when I claimed myself an artist a couple of years ago. Time will tell.

PS – If you missed it yesterday, I announced a new class coming in April: A Sense of Place. Visit the link here for more details.

PPS – Only THREE DAYS to the next Photo-Heart Connection link up. I can’t wait!

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