personal growth

April 22, 2013 by Kat

Watch and Learn

Last week at the dinner table, we had an interesting conversation. In my son Brandon’s sixth grade health class they are talking about setting goals. Trying to get the kids to look to the future, no doubt, and recognize that the decisions they make and the actions they take affect tomorrow. As part of his homework, he needed to interview his parents about setting goals. If they do; how they do it.

“I don’t need to ask you this question, Mom,” he says, “I already know you set goals.” I was taken aback. We’d not really talked about goals explicitly, how did he know? “Because you wanted to start Kat Eye Studio and you did it,” he answered.

I got a little jolt. Brandon had shown, all too clearly, how much he watches and learns from me.

After that jolt, I got down to thinking about it, and realized he was right. I talk about my goals. I’ll tell my husband and son at the dinner table, the one time of day that we are usually all together, “I think I want to do this new thing…” and then I go work on it. Usually by the time I bring it up I’ve been thinking about it for a while and am a couple of steps on the path to get there, but I talk about it all the same. Sooner or later, my goal comes to pass as if it were meant to happen all along.

OK, that’s cool, I thought. Brandon’s learned about setting and achieving goals from me. But, what else is he learning from my actions? Scary thought.

This conversation reminded me he’s watching. He’s been watching, all along. He sees the good and the bad in what I do, probably more than any other person in the world other than my husband. He’s part of my inner circle, observing from the inside of daily life. It was one of those moments that made me step back and think about the example I’m setting. I felt my responsibility as a parent a bit more keenly than normal. It’s a reminder of the influence that we, as parents, have over our children. They are their own people with free will, but they learn much of how to navigate their lives by watching us. Not listening to us. Watching us. Yikes.

But we learn from them too, don’t we? He has always been the best conscience. If I tell him not to do something and he comes back with, “But YOU do that Mom!” I have to stop and take notice. Even if lately it’s layered with pre-teen attitude, I have to admit: He’s usually right. And I have to take a step back and rethink what I’m doing, too. It’s humbling.

Brandon just turned twelve a couple of weeks ago. Some days, it feels as if we have a long journey yet ahead of us, through the teen years. But recently I realized that if he leaves at 18, two-thirds of his time with us is past. We have six years left, and he’s not going to want to spend as much time with us as the previous twelve. Our influence is waning.

But… it’s still there. Every day I have the chance to be the example. It’s scary and exciting all at the same time. I didn’t know I signed up for this all those years ago when we decided to have a baby. I don’t think I’m a good enough person to be a parent. Probably few of us really are.

But one thing I’ve found: Being a parent is certainly making me a better person, every day.

February 24, 2013 by Kat

A Changing View

The sun is shining, I had great creative photography excursion yesterday and last week’s pause is at an end. I have a great view today, but it’s a changing view. I’ve come through the other side of my little break but not without making some important discoveries.

You see, there was more to the pause than my Mom visiting for a week. Underlying the feeling was a growing sense of dissatisfaction with some elements of my creative life. It was as if I was seeing through a dirty window but could sense something more on the other side. After journaling about it the last few days and making some mental shifts and decisions, I want to share them here.

For a little while now, I’ve felt as if I’m not using my creative time on what I want to be using it for. Here I’ve arranged my whole schedule, working part time at my corporate job and all, to give myself more creative time. And yet I’ve filled it with my “to do” list. Always more to do, isn’t there?

So I’ve taken a look at what I want to be doing with my time and what I have been doing with my time to see what is causing the tension. Based on that, I will be making some changes to create the space I feel I need to continue to grow.

What I want to be doing…

I want to continue to develop my art. I want to spend more time in developing my own aesthetic through study, creation of new work and exploration of print. How I do that is ever-changing and up in the air at the moment, but it requires time.

I want to be hiking in the forest regularly, for my mental and physical health. There is something about being among the trees that brings me peace and makes me feel alive. I want to do more of it, several mornings a week at least.

I want to continue to connect with other artists, both in person and online. The connection and inspiration I find through running my eCourses, my blog, Photo-Heart Connection, the Liberate Your Art postcard swap and interacting with local photography friends are all important and valuable to me, and I can see the value to others as well. I need time to develop these meaningful relationships.

What I have been doing…

I have been spending a lot of time with writing things that aren’t necessarily aligned with my personal goals listed above. Things like trying to blog daily, send a newsletter twice a month, and the Exploring with a Camera blog series. All are things that have been an important part of my creative journey in the past, but they don’t seem to fit the same way they once did.

My intention in the future is to blog when I have something meaningful to say, rather than as a daily routine or weekly/monthly schedule. I think the quality of what I share will improve, even if the frequency lessens. The one schedule thing that you can be sure of: Photo-Heart Connection will continue on the first of each month. Beyond that, I could be here 5 days a week or 1 day a week; we’ll just see what happens.

Exploring with a Camera is going on hiatus for a while. While I love this series and have never written one exploration I didn’t fully enjoy, as I look to the future I’m not sure I still have the inspiration to continue. At least, as I look at my personal schedule for the next few months, I feel overwhelmed when I think of this series rather than enthused. Beyond a few months, I’ll see how I feel. In addition to my own personal reservations for coming months, participation has been steadily declining over time, so I wonder if there is still interest out there. What I spend my time sharing needs to be valuable to both me and others, or there is no point in spending all of the time it takes to write if it’s not useful.

My newsletter will go to once a month for a while, too. I love being able to connect with more people through this method of communication, but it takes a lot more of my time than I’ve wanted to acknowledge. I also have to admit I’ve been overwhelmed by all that comes to my email inbox of late and I think about that for all of my subscribers too. I want any email I send you to be important and useful, not just because it’s on a twice-a-month schedule. Going down to once a month saves me the time of creating the newsletter and the burden on all of your email inboxes, while still keeping in touch in this great way.

I will also be changing my class schedule to give myself some more time off over the summer. Summer is gorgeous, but too short, in Oregon. I need to spend more time outside and less on the computer. It doesn’t affect any eCourses in progress or A Sense of Place (planned for April-May – registration opens VERY soon), but it will affect the schedule for the rest of 2013 beyond May. As I sort it out and finalize dates I will keep you informed through my blog, website and newsletter.

I feel good about these decisions and know they will allow me the time and the space for new things to grow. I’m seeing a little more clearly now, thanks to the pause and the needed introspection. I found out what was on the other side of that murky window I was looking through last week. It’s looking pretty interesting, too!

Admitting some of these feelings to myself and deciding to make these changes has been an internal struggle. Many of these decisions run counter-intuitive to the common wisdom of running an online business, much of which advises regular interaction on a high frequency through as many channels as possible. The changes also mean mixing up things that have clearly worked for me in the past, and that’s always uncomfortable.

My heart is telling me to throw that common wisdom out the window and that it’s time for a new way of doing things. If I’m not spending the time I need to grow myself creatively — in the direction my heart tells me — then I’m not going to add anything useful to the conversation. And more than anything, I want to add something useful to the conversation of art, creativity and photography. For myself and for all of you.

February 11, 2013 by Kat

Another take on Apologies

Over the last few days I’ve had a sneaking suspicion. I’ve felt like there is more to this whole apologizing thing, at least for me, than meets the eye. That it is about more than fear of sharing or criticism. I’ve been journaling and am starting to sort out this “other” reason. These ideas I’m sharing with you today are fresh and not completely thought through, so bear with me. I’m hopeful sharing them here will bring commentary and insight from you all, which always helps me distill them to something clearer.

How many of us carry along these little sayings in our head: Don’t brag. Don’t toot your own horn. Don’t hog the spotlight. Be humble. Keep quiet about your accomplishments, the right people will know.

I do. Somewhere, somehow, these sayings have been etched deeply into my psyche. Add to that my introverted and shy nature, which naturally leads me to want to avoid any attention, and you have a recipe for one quiet person. But then you contrast that with my desire to create, my desire to share, my desire (dare I say it) to lead… and you get quite a bit of inner turmoil.

You get someone who wants to do something really well, with all her heart, and have other people see it and join in. Without her having to say anything.

Yeah, right.

I’ve learned that doesn’t happen. To grow anything, relationships online, a following for your art, a business, you have to get the word out there. You have to share your message with confidence and heart. You have be able to say, “Here I am, and I have something GOOD to share with you.” You have to willing to talk and talk and talk about the good stuff you are doing, so the message is heard. It’s called marketing.

All the while, the inner voice is quietly reprimanding, “Don’t brag. Don’t toot your own horn. Don’t hog the spotlight. Be humble. Keep quiet about your accomplishments, the right people will know.” But they don’t always know, do they? Sometimes you have to tell them.

Hence, the apologies. The apologies sometimes come along to quiet that inner voice, I’m thinking. When I’m talking about what I create and do and have to offer others, if I apologize, I can keep that voice at bay. Sort of. I still feel it, deep down. I know this, because when I get any sort of feedback that validates this voice, even if it’s as simple as one person marking my newsletter as spam, it’s deeply felt. The voice comes back with a vengeance, “See? I told you so! Stop talking about this stuff!”

*Sigh*

I’m sorting this out. It’s a bit new and raw right now, this realization of why I might be apologizing. But like all of the things I’ve sorted through in the past that led to some sort of personal growth, it has to start this way. It starts with an inkling; some sort of clue to follow. We’ll see where it leads next.

February 6, 2013 by Kat

Apologies: Continuing the Conversation

Today, I want to continue the conversation on “apologizing” we started on Monday. This seemed to touch a chord with many of you! It is clearly a topic many of us could explore further. I was especially struck by this comment from Sue Fox:

I try not to apologize for anything unless it hurts another person in some way, then my apologies are profuse. My art, however that may be expressed ~ photography, writing, dressing myself or my house are all extensions of my persona so to apologies for any of your artistic expression would be a rejections of self!

She touched on a couple of very important points I want to discuss further…

First, we should not hesitate to apologize when apologies are truly due. A true apology is a powerful thing. It is you going to someone else, humble, saying you were wrong. A true apology is a moment of extreme vulnerability. You offer yourself up to them and ask forgiveness. Whether or not they accept, an apology is a form of growth.

It is hard for us to give true apologies, isn’t it? You often hear, “I’m sorry, but…” Whatever follows the “but” is the explanation for the action. That’s not really an apology; it’s a justification. I’ve tried, more and more, to listen to how I’m apologizing. It’s amazing how much the “but” comes in there for me. True, sincere apologies are important and are something I’m continuing to work on personally. It’s hard work.

Now we come to the second point of Sue’s comment, on apologies for our art being apologies for our self. This is a powerful point, so let’s stop and read that again:

When we apologize for our art we apologize for our self.

Art is expression of self. When we create, it comes from some place deep inside us. When we follow our inspiration and our intuition, we are connecting with our truest selves. We are often expressing the part of our self we keep hidden from the world, maybe even hidden from ourselves. That’s why it’s often so hard to share our work, because it puts our true self out in the open. We are naked, vulnerable, and any comment or criticism can cut deeply. So we aim to protect our self, creating a tough, outer shell through any means possible. One of which is apologies.

When we apologize for what we create, we are apologizing for our expression and, by extension, apologizing for our truest self. Apologizing for our preferences or our beliefs does the same thing. It’s as if we are saying our opinions, our creations, our very self, is not worthy of expressing itself to the world.

That is So. Not. True.

We all have worth. Our creations have worth. For me, they bring me joy. They help me understand my place in this world. They give me a way to connect with others, when my introverted, shy self would otherwise hide in the house with a book. That is all worthwhile for me. And for you, too.

Whatever the reasons you create, your creations are worthy. YOU are worthy.

Now, I want you to sit up tall. Take a deep breath, and repeat after me:

I will stop apologizing for my art.
I will stop apologizing for who I am.
When I do apologize, I will really, truly mean it.

It’s a tough mantra to live up to, but I believe we all can do it. I believe we need to do it. Are you with me?

February 4, 2013 by Kat

What are you apologizing for?

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.
— Theodore Roosevelt, 1910

If you’ve heard at all about Brené Brown’s latest book, Daring Greatly, you’ve probably heard this quote. Ever since reading the book it’s been swimming around in my head. We enter the arena in so many different ways, each day. When we share our truest selves with someone else, or when we put our art into the world, we are daring greatly.

It’s easy to get hurt, when you make yourself vulnerable in some way. We protect our hearts by pre-rejecting ourselves, not stepping up to participate at times. I almost did that this weekend, for an exhibition submission that was out of my comfort zone. I took a deep breath and submitted anyway. We protect ourselves by apologizing in advance. In order to avoid the hurt of someone else criticize us, we apologize for the things we fear.

I see this all of the time in online sharing. “So sorry,” someone will write, “Just one more shot of fill-in-the-blank. I promise.” I hear that as fear. Fear of bothering other people with something we love. Maybe fear of abandonment. As if everyone will completely desert the artist for sharing just one more image of something he or she is passionate about. Apologizing gives an out. So if someone says, “Yeah, I was getting tired of seeing fill-in-the-blank,” we are armored up and ready to hear it. It confirmed our fears. That may not be why they write those words, but I identify with them, and see my own fear reflected. I see myself in them, wanting to apologize for sharing just one more image of trees, or scooters, or whatever I’m really excited about at the time.

But here’s the deal… The passion someone has for what they do is usually what draws us to them in the first place. We resonate and reflect that passion back. It inspires us. It’s fun to see.

I don’t think we should ever apologize for sharing something we are passionate about. I think we need to take a deep breath and stand tall and say, “Here I am and this is what I love. When I share this, I am sharing part of who I am.” It’s time to dare greatly, and stop apologizing, stop pre-rejecting ourselves and stop all of the other little things we do to keep ourselves safe. If someone stomps on that, after you’ve nursed your hurt a little bit, I encourage you to look very closely at where it came from. Treat the person who stomped on you with compassion: It’s probably their own issue; their own fears talking.

So what is it you would do or share, if you wiped away your fear? What is it that makes you feel like you are daring greatly, putting yourself out there? For me, it’s submitting to an exhibition outside of my comfort zone. Or agreeing to do something that puts me in the public eye. Or maybe, just maybe, sharing a tree image for the hundredth time.

But one thing I’m not going to do anymore… I’m not going to apologize for what I love to create and share.

One of my activities this weekend was to create a gift for the folks who worked on my team on big project I talked about last week. We had an intense and stress-filled few months, right up to the deadline last Thursday, and they gave it their all. I had shared the “daring greatly” quote with them a couple of months ago, and decided to make these framed prints as a gift to give them at our celebration lunch today. I had no idea I that the art I’ve been creating these last couple of months that would look so good with a quote on them! I’m quite pleased with how they turned out. These 8x8inch frames are available in a 4-pack at Michaels and were perfect for simply finishing the prints. This is another great example of why I love to be able to print my own work.

January 29, 2013 by Kat

Dynamic Balance

I woke up this morning with “balance” on the brain. You can’t have as many things going on as I do without either becoming a master of balance or spectacularly burning out. Over the last year or so, I’ve done a lot of personal work on balance. Between my corporate job, Kat Eye Studio, my family and my art I have to keep my eye on things. Or, I should say, I have to keep my knees bent and roll with things.

You see, I believe balance is a dynamic thing. Balance in life is like standing on top of a teeter-totter, one foot on either side of the fulcrum. If you want to stay balanced, you have to move and adjust. Constantly. You have to stay agile, moving your body as the plank shifts. You have to ride out any imbalance that comes along to gently bring things back to where you want them. If you try to push to hard the opposite way when things are going one direction, you will most likely find yourself tipping wildly back and forth, arms flailing, ultimately ending up face down on the dirt.

Right now I’m riding a wave of imbalance. This week is an intense week for me at my corporate job. I have a deadline on Thursday for the project I’ve been leading for the last 15 months. Things are going great and the project is on track, but there is a lot of work the team and I are wrapping up before the formal review Thursday morning. It’s taken over my brain. Normally I can switch off work when I’m home, shifting over to my creative projects, but occasionally something big like this comes along. My lesson from the teeter-totter: Time to roll with it.

So I’m making some adjustments to keep my balance this week. I won’t be blogging or online much the next couple of days. Just like in a photograph, when an element is placed on the extreme edge or corner, you need to leave space to balance it out. I’m making that space here.

Dynamic balance makes for interesting compositions and for a full and interesting life. But you have to learn to make adjustments and shifts, to make things work. I’ve eaten enough dirt, falling from the teeter-totter, to learn that by now.

A few things to make you aware of…

I’ll be back here on Friday with the January Photo-Heart Connection. Won’t that be a nice way to relax and reconnect to my heart after this busy week! Link up will be open February 1 – 7 for all of you to join in too.

The Liberate Your Art postcard swap is now open for 2013! I’ve moved it earlier in the year this year, to keep it out of the busy summer months. (It will just be in the busy spring months, instead! Hee, hee.) Join us!

Registration is open for the Las Vegas workshop at Selah, which adds you to the Kat Eye Studio weekend of activities. Visit here to see why I’m really excited to teach A Sense of Place this year.

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