Kat Eye Studio

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Lessons from Abroad: Letting Go of Expectations

[Started while living in Italy, the Lessons from Abroad series shares some of the life lessons I learned through my expatriate experience. Since moving back to the US, I’ve found the lessons from living abroad have not abated; just changed. This post continues the periodic series.]

Each of us has a different path through life. Each of us has our own choices to make. We should make the choices with our own hearts in mind, finding the best option for us in the moment. We should be watchful for where we might be choosing to live up to the expectations of others, rather than what’s right for us. This is an area I’ve done a lot of personal work, and feel stronger about ensuring that I’m not following someone else’s path for me. I’m not trying to live up to someone else’s expectations. That’s a good place to be.

The new problem, I’ve recently discovered, is that I’ve been full of my own expectations. Expectations I made for myself while in Italy, upon return home to the US. I returned with many “this is how it’s going to be” statements. I was so worried about losing the personal growth I found in my expatriate experience that I set a path for myself to follow. I made plans. And while I’ve followed those plans for the most part, it’s been with increasing struggle and frustration. I’ve come to realize why – the plans and expectations set for myself while in Italy (let’s call that version of me “Italy Kat”) were done with the best intentions, but without knowing the reality of the situation.

Only the version of me that exists now, in this place and this moment, knows the reality of the situation. Only I can choose what’s best and right for me now. But I’ve become increasingly aware of this little voice in my head as I make new plans, saying, “But you planned… expected… thought…” The voice is Italy Kat, and she’s constantly judging the decisions I make now against the plans I made then. She’s constantly on the lookout for places where I’m off the path she set for me. And she’s quick to make me feel as if I’m falling down on the job if things don’t turn out as she planned.

So I struggle. And I get frustrated. And I discover it’s due to nothing else but my own expectations.

I discover this because the last of my Italy Kat expectations are starting to fray. One by one, over the past months, I’ve had to unravel these expectations. I did have big plans for what life would be like upon moving home. I wonder if I wanted to recreate my Italy experience here. I know now, I can’t. We are in a different place, leading different lives, with different needs. My Italian experience was wonderful, beautiful and life-changing. But I can no longer live my life under the shadow of that experience, with the expectations I set for myself during that time. It’s time to hug Italy Kat, thank her for her only wanting only the best for me, and send her back to Italy where she belongs so that I can get on with the business of living my life the way it needs to be lived. Here. Today.

So I find myself learning another important Lesson from Abroad, almost ten months after repatriation: Living to please and follow the expectations of an older self is just as damaging as living to please others. If we live our lives to please others we only find ourselves empty and unhappy in the end. We lose who we are. It’s the same for our own selves, with the expectations set in another place and time. If we live the path we defined for ourselves in the past, we won’t grow. In trying to keep my Italy experience alive, I wasn’t allowing myself to grow into new experiences. I was starting to lose the very thing that was so important to me – the connection to my heart and soul. That connection must be ongoing, in the moment. It can’t live in the past.

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think it’s only obvious to me because the dramatic differences in life that repatriation brought. Has this ever happened to you? Do you recognize yourself in my words? I’ve thought through some steps to help me move through this, and they may be helpful for you as well.

  • If you are struggling in an area, not feeling satisfied because it’s not turning out “as expected,” take a close look at where the expectations are coming from. Are they from a plan that you created for yourself in the past?
  • One you identify the expectation, acknowledge it. State the expectation, make it real. So often these are unspoken expectations, hiding in the background, and it takes acknowledging it to begin to deal with it.
  • Forgive your former self for setting the expectation. Acknowledge and thank her for having your best interests at heart.
  • Let the expectation go. A ceremony might be helpful here, in order to physically act out the letting go of expectations. I’m planning on writing all of Italy Kat’s expectations down on slips of paper and then burning them, letting the ashes blow away in the breeze. Even visualizing this has already helped me let them go.
  • From this clear state, look at the choices you need to make and decide which next steps you want to take on your path. This may take some time, as there is no longer a guiding expectation from the past. As you create a new plan, recognize that you are setting new expectations. Make these openly and with flexibility. Give yourself permission to adjust along the way.
  • Breathe deep, and take the first step on your new path, free and unburdened by the past.

I am still working through these steps for myself. I’ve recognized, acknowledged and let go the expectations set by Italy Kat. I have the blank slate in from of me now. I don’t know that the next step I take will be much different than the one that Italy Kat would have wanted me to take, but I know that I will be doing it for the right reasons now. I will be choosing with my whole heart and soul, in the moment, within the reality of now. That’s the best I can ever hope to do.

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Happy Women’s Day

In Italy, the tradition on Women’s Day is to give the yellow Mimosa flower to women in your life. So today I have some Mimosa for you!

I had never heard of International Women’s Day before moving to Italy. Now, I see references to it quite a few places here in the US too. Maybe I was never aware of it before, maybe it’s come into greater prominence in the last few years. I’m not sure.

It’s an important day in a lot of ways, requiring a moment of pause. An opportunity to take a moment and reflect on the lives that we are able to lead as women in the developed world. For all of the challenges we may face, they pale in comparison to our counterparts in other places around the world. I have had so many opportunities – for education, for employment, for freedom in my relationships and life. I have practiced engineering for 20 years, a non-traditional women’s career, without serious issue with my gender. I have a voice here online, without fear of reprisal. We are lucky for the freedoms women have in our culture.

I think that’s why I resonate with the idea of what Nest does so much, helping women build a sustainable career and life for themselves and their families. Today I learned of Kiva, another microfinance organization. Through Marie Forleo, I heard about this special opportunity to give a loan to women in other countries without it costing you anything. Visit this link to see how Kiva and Dermalogica are making this possible, and you can take advantage of the opportunity to give a loan too.

If nothing else today, take a moment to reflect on the opportunities that you have had as a woman, and how lucky you are when put into perspective by other places in the world.

In the tradition of Italy, give a yellow flower to a woman who matters to you. You all matter, thank you for being here. Happy Women’s Day.

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Exploring with a Camera: Windows

It’s no secret that one of my favorite subjects is windows. Since returning home from Italy, I’ve noticed that I gravitate toward images of windows as much or maybe more than before. Noticing this has caused me to look closer at how I use them, why they interest me so. For this installment of Exploring with a Camera, let’s dive in and see how and why windows are such an appealing subject.

Source of Light

Windows are important to our existence. The let in light and air, while protecting us from the elements. As photographers, windows are a fabulous source of light when we are indoors. Each window, each time of day will bring a different quality of light to our photos. How often have you captured something with your camera, because you saw it sitting next to a window, in the light?

But windows go well beyond a source of light, to become an integral part of the composition and subject of a photograph. The image below is a great example. The window is the source of light, illuminating the table, but also a critical design element balancing the composition and interacting with the other items in the frame to tell a whole story.

Design Elements

The shapes and lines of windows make them an amazing design element in our photographs. They are usually square or rectangle, and we can decide how we incorporate them inside the square or rectangle frame of our photograph.

In the image below, the shape of the window replicates the shape of the frame. The contrast in color of the window gives your eye a place to focus and rest, while taking in the texture and layers in the wall. I see the texture as the subject, but the window “grounds” the image, giving the texture something to hold on to.

The window in this image is mainly used as a design element. Not only the color contrast, but the shape provides a strong, ordered contrast with the curving and disordered elements of tree, sculpture fragment and uneven texture in the wall.

When you see windows as a shape or a design element, you can see interesting uses for them in your images. Windows become the perfect subject to explore the use of repeating shapes as a dominant element, as in this photograph from late night in Venice. The repeating pattern of the window through the frame provides a separation between the working gondolier at the right and the rest of the empty gondolas on the left. (Visit Exploring with a Camera: Repeating Patterns for more on using repeating patterns in your photos.)

In this photograph from Madrid, repeating shapes plus the point of view reveal the use of windows as a design element to create lines. The strong linear perspective is completely created by the lines of the windows. (See Exploring with a Camera: Linear Perspective for more.)

Backdrops, Frames and Shelves

I find my use of windows in my photographs goes way beyond simple design elements. Windows are an integral part of many of my photographs, interacting with the subject as backdrops, frames and shelves. In the photo shared at the top of this post, the window serves as a shelf that holds the main subject – the colorful flower pots. In addition, the window frames the subject, creating separation from the contrasting space, texture and color around the pots.

Here is another example of a window used as a shelf, to hold the cupcakes. You can’t see the whole window, but you can feel it is there. A second window becomes a backdrop and frame for the person inside the building.

The window in this image serves as a frame for my son, looking out at the world.

In this self-portrait, the window is a backdrop for me. The framing and brightness provided by the window brings your eye to where I am sitting first, making me the focal point.

Reflections

Since windows are usually made of glass, they provide an excellent source of reflections. My recent favorite photo of the window in Ashland is an example of using the window as a source of reflection, but the window also serves to frame and bound the reflection within the image.

Window reflections can also create complex interactions within the photographic frame. They can reveal things that are not visible otherwise; the reflections create layered images by showing both what is reflected in the window along with what is seen through the window. The window reflection in this image shows a slightly different perspective of my sons face, while also layering it with what is outside and providing a frame.

You can find more on using windows as a source of reflections in Exploring with a Camera: Reflections in Glass.

Psychological Barriers

Windows can have powerful emotional impact in our photos, by creating a strong feeling of being on the inside looking out, or on the outside looking in. There can be a sense of separateness, longing, mystery or even protection created by windows in our photos. They are a useful storytelling element, both to express our own feelings and to draw the viewer in. This image below captures a story. It makes me wonder who lives on the other side of that window, with the colorful pots.

In this image, I am both literally and figuratively on the outside. I want to experience the warmth and companionship felt through the window, not just the warmth of the lone candle that is immediately accessible outside.

Does Stevie the cat long to be part of the outdoors or is he protected from the dangers of the outdoors by the window? You can decide. Either way, the window provides a boundary to explore, along with providing a frame for Stevie to sit within and light to the image.

By writing this post I may have discovered why windows show up in my photographs so much… there are so many different ways to use them! Here’s a quick summary of what I’ve discovered, just by doing my own image review:

  • Windows are a fantastic source of natural light, when indoors.
  • Windows are the perfect design element to explore shape, line and repetition.
  • Windows can serve as backdrop, frame and shelf, interacting with your subject in interesting ways.
  • The glass in windows creates complex layers through reflections.
  • Windows are a storytelling element, creating psychological barriers that can evoke strong emotion.

To view more of my window images, you can visit this set on Flickr.

What other uses of windows do you have? How do they show up in your photos? Share with us! The link up will remain open for two weeks. I look forward to seeing your interpretations of one of my favorite subjects!


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