To put our art, our writing, our photography, our ideas out into the world with no assurance of acceptance or appreciation – that’s also vulnerability.
— — Brené Brown in Daring Greatly
I now know why I needed to hear the message from the universe yesterday. Why I started reading Daring Greatly
Let me explain…
This weekend is the Corvallis Fall Festival. After months of planning and preparing, I’ll be putting my art out there in the public eye, for sale, in a completely new way for me. It’s from the safety of a shared booth (4 other photographers along with me) and the safety of being close to home, but as I wrote out the email last night inviting friends and neighbors to visit me in the booth during the festival, I started to feel the fear. I started thinking, Why am I sending this? I don’t want to bother anyone with more emails. Will they even care? What if they don’t like my work? Maybe it’s better not to tell anyone. But I pressed send on the email anyway, despite my fears, because I know that most of these people want to see me succeed and will come by and support me even if it’s with a quick hi in the booth.
As I was reading this morning I realized where this feeling came from. I’m making myself vulnerable, by putting my art out there in a new way. And no matter how much I want and crave connection with people through my art, I also fear it. No amount of planning and preparing can eliminate that visceral response that comes from somewhere deep inside. The place that fears that I am not good enough. The place that fears rejection.
This vulnerability attack is made doubly strong by my trip to England next week. In the last couple of weeks, I’ve been stressing over what to wear for my workshops. I’m realizing now this is just a substitute worry for the bigger fear of putting myself “out there” in such a spectacular way. Want to know how the workshops happened? Earlier this year I said to myself, “I want to go to England and visit my friends! It would be cool to teach a couple of photography workshops at the same time.” And then started working on it. Once again, the planning and the preparing are the easy parts. It’s so, so easy for me to create a plan, a list of things to do, and check them off one by one. It’s a lot harder to deal with the emotions that come along with the actual event. Here I am, travelling by myself, staying with friends I know mostly from online interactions, offering workshops in a foreign country. Vulnerable? You bet.
With every step I take outside of my comfort zone, I open myself up to uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. It just so happens that is exactly Brené Brown’s definition of vulnerability. I get it. I feel it, at my core, right now. Thankfully, these kinds of fears and emotions usually don’t come until I’m already committed, well down the road where it’s too late to turn back, so I keep putting myself out there in new and crazy ways. As I’ve said so many times in my writing here before, each little step you take expands your comfort zone. Whether it’s liberating your art as a postcard or in an art fair, it all takes courage and a willingness to be vulnerable.
I know intellectually that everything will be fine. Regardless of whether or not I sell a lot of my photographs at the festival, regardless of whether or not my workshops are full, I will have a good time. I will learn something in the process. I will grow.
Knowing it will all turn out ok doesn’t eliminate the feelings that exist today, right now, in my gut. But understanding where they are coming from, why being vulnerable has this impact on me, certainly helps. Thanks to the message from the universe yesterday, I was prepared for the panic attack of today. (Sort of. Talk to me about it tomorrow.)
Sure your trip to the UK will be a huge success, Kat. In all kinds of ways. Have fun….and hope to see you! xx
Thanks Helen! I hope to see you too!
I’m not surprised you’re feeling a bit vulnerable. Stepping outside of your comfort zone, whether it’s a big step or small, is a stomach churning experience.But I think you’re most likely the type of person who, deep down inside, enjoys that sensation and feeds on it – it’s what drives you forward to do a little more and leave your comfort zone further behind each time. I have nothing but admiration for you.
Aha, I think you’ve got me nailed with that description. I think I do like it, deep down inside. Most of the time. But there are moments, like yesterday morning, where I’m cursing myself for sticking my neck out. Ah, we are all bundles of contradictions, aren’t we? 🙂
I totally get it. It is scary. However standing here looking your way, I wonder how could you think that. Funny we have the hardest time seeing our own worth. What’s that saying, “if you don’t ask, the answer is always no”. I suppose if you don’t put your art out there….it will be safe in the way you want it to be. If you do put it out there, it will still be safe in the way you want it to be, and it might even get some applause from others. I doubt anyone would say they don’t care for it. I guess only positives to gain. Why the hell can’t I tell myself this very same thing?
Oh, and don’t worry about the clothes for England either. When I am thoroughly engrossed, later I can’t even remember what color shirt someone was wearing.
Go get ’em Kat!
Thanks so, so much Susan. We do have the hardest time with our own worth, I agree. I like this quote from Steve Furtick, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” I think that may explain it!!
There are lots of quotes about courage just being fear which keeps going…
I like this one by John Wayne,
“Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.”
You feel it, you recognize it, you do it anyway.
Yay for you!
I LOVE that quote, too!
and yes, Yay for you for putting yourself out there…..in the arena!
Aha, another reader. We have quite the crew here! Yes – I’m definitely in the arena! 🙂
Great quote Deb. Your statement is exactly how I feel about fear and stepping outside of your comfort zone: “You feel it, you recognize it, you do it anyway.” Thanks for the boost!
You will be fine. Well done for being vulnerable and doing it anyway, that is a terrific achievement on its own. Have a wonderful trip, Britain will be fun, we’re not as bad as we seem.
“We’re not as bad as we seem…” I don’t think you seem bad at all! I love all of the people I’ve met and interacted with from the UK. That’s why I’m coming to visit. Can I be adopted? 🙂
Just think of all the wonderful things you’ve accomplished in the short time I’ve known you because you “put yourself out there.” It will be a wonderful weekend, I’m sure, and a great trip. Wish I could be there for both events!
I wish you could be there too! Thanks so much for the encouragement, Karen.
I really understand what you’re saying but you have pushed through fear and vulnerability so much further than I have managed so far, your accomplishments are amazing. Well done for putting yourself out there.
I am REALLY excited to meet you when you’re here in the UK – clothes wise I recommend anything waterproof! See you soon (yay!!)
LOL Becs! I have my rain jacket and umbrella ready to go. I can’t wait to meet you in person!!
Your vulnerability is very normal…you are so brave! I wish you much success with your show. Safe travels to the UK, too! 🙂
Thank you so much!
Oh dear…it will turn out okay….we are all just human beings after all and it is our nature to want to protect our vulnerability. You already have had much success just by making the choice to step out of your comfort zone…nobody got anywhere by turning around and running backwards.
You know, that is so true! Thanks for your encouragement.
Kat! I love this post. It touches a chord. Vulnerability is HARD! But, you are on the hero’s journey. Pushing outside your comfort zone, and leading by example as you go. You are showing the way. I just know that the fair, and the teaching trip are going to be amazing!
Sending love and all good vibes. xo
An outstanding post! Daring Greatly just went on the Amazon order list! THANK YOU!
You are one of the bravest artists I know – constantly sharing yourself and your art and your heart. I am trusting that this weekend was a success and that your upcoming trip will be one as well. We are all rooting for you!
Way to go Kat! Brene Brown is one of my heroes and you are too! I admire your courage to speak your heart and put your self out there for the world to view-and what a wonderful view it is! Thanks for being a role model for all of us who are taking baby steps. I’ve been stuck, afraid to even hang my photos at work. I’ll do it tomorrow!
Yay! You can do it Angela!!