Last week at the dinner table, we had an interesting conversation. In my son Brandon’s sixth grade health class they are talking about setting goals. Trying to get the kids to look to the future, no doubt, and recognize that the decisions they make and the actions they take affect tomorrow. As part of his homework, he needed to interview his parents about setting goals. If they do; how they do it.
“I don’t need to ask you this question, Mom,” he says, “I already know you set goals.” I was taken aback. We’d not really talked about goals explicitly, how did he know? “Because you wanted to start Kat Eye Studio and you did it,” he answered.
I got a little jolt. Brandon had shown, all too clearly, how much he watches and learns from me.
After that jolt, I got down to thinking about it, and realized he was right. I talk about my goals. I’ll tell my husband and son at the dinner table, the one time of day that we are usually all together, “I think I want to do this new thing…” and then I go work on it. Usually by the time I bring it up I’ve been thinking about it for a while and am a couple of steps on the path to get there, but I talk about it all the same. Sooner or later, my goal comes to pass as if it were meant to happen all along.
OK, that’s cool, I thought. Brandon’s learned about setting and achieving goals from me. But, what else is he learning from my actions? Scary thought.
This conversation reminded me he’s watching. He’s been watching, all along. He sees the good and the bad in what I do, probably more than any other person in the world other than my husband. He’s part of my inner circle, observing from the inside of daily life. It was one of those moments that made me step back and think about the example I’m setting. I felt my responsibility as a parent a bit more keenly than normal. It’s a reminder of the influence that we, as parents, have over our children. They are their own people with free will, but they learn much of how to navigate their lives by watching us. Not listening to us. Watching us. Yikes.
But we learn from them too, don’t we? He has always been the best conscience. If I tell him not to do something and he comes back with, “But YOU do that Mom!” I have to stop and take notice. Even if lately it’s layered with pre-teen attitude, I have to admit: He’s usually right. And I have to take a step back and rethink what I’m doing, too. It’s humbling.
Brandon just turned twelve a couple of weeks ago. Some days, it feels as if we have a long journey yet ahead of us, through the teen years. But recently I realized that if he leaves at 18, two-thirds of his time with us is past. We have six years left, and he’s not going to want to spend as much time with us as the previous twelve. Our influence is waning.
But… it’s still there. Every day I have the chance to be the example. It’s scary and exciting all at the same time. I didn’t know I signed up for this all those years ago when we decided to have a baby. I don’t think I’m a good enough person to be a parent. Probably few of us really are.
But one thing I’ve found: Being a parent is certainly making me a better person, every day.
Love your post today Kat. It echoes so much about what I’m thinking, training for a half marathon with my 15 year old very difficult teenage girl has been the best way to help her set goals, stick to something and model behavior.
Rinda
Wow, Rinda. That’s awesome! You are being a great example.
It’s a sobering thought isn’t it? If only all parents were mindful of the example they set then the world would be a better place.
My own children have long since flown the nest, but you are so right. I still laugh when I remember my mom telling me to go eat breakfast — as she sat with the morning paper and her own breakfast: coffee and a cigarette. Would it surprise you to learn that I’ve never been a breakfast person? (Though I never took up smoking, either, I’m happy to report.) Kids really do learn more from watching than listening to the adults in their lives, especially if there’s a disconnect between words and actions.
Great story! It’s funny how we remember those little details and inconsistencies from our youth.
As Phantom approaches 17 and is in her senior year it amazes me how quickly it has flown by… one minute she is reenacting Druid ceremonies in the backyard…. and now she is listening to Liza while reading existentialist drama… it is never dull and has been such a ride and I love that she has modeled jumping in and trying new things for me, while I think I have modeled glorious irresponsibility and that breakfast cereal makes the best dinner some times….
in all seriousness though she was talking about Health class the other day and she was questioned about why she has chosen to not drink…. the drinking age is 18 here so by the time they hit 17 most are already partaking… and she said it was because she saw her parents have a great time without alcohol so she didn’t see the point… it pulled us up because even though Sinus and I are very light drinkers we never thought that she noticed and absorbed it… amazing what they pick up without us preaching about it…xx
What a great story! A perfect example of how it is far more effective to practice than to preach. And how we learn so much from them, too!
“What ever possessed me to think I could do this” is something I have said so many times during my 24 years of parenting. It is though, the most wonderful ‘job’ in the world, one which continues today , they grow, they change, they need different things and different skills from you, and all the time they are observing and learning from what they see and hear. Give them space and wings to fly and they will return. My son is the person that knows me best.
This is a lovely post Kat
I love this photo and it pairs so well with your thoughts. I have several friends with just one son, and they too made that realization about the limited time and what it will mean to let go. I also hear that 16 is tough-you have time to make a goal for that. : )
I think we all watch you make and reach goals. You’re a maestro. Glad your boy is observing, it will serve you both well.
Happy day Kat.
Beautiful writing on what it means to be a parent.