Over the last few days I’ve had a sneaking suspicion. I’ve felt like there is more to this whole apologizing thing, at least for me, than meets the eye. That it is about more than fear of sharing or criticism. I’ve been journaling and am starting to sort out this “other” reason. These ideas I’m sharing with you today are fresh and not completely thought through, so bear with me. I’m hopeful sharing them here will bring commentary and insight from you all, which always helps me distill them to something clearer.
How many of us carry along these little sayings in our head: Don’t brag. Don’t toot your own horn. Don’t hog the spotlight. Be humble. Keep quiet about your accomplishments, the right people will know.
I do. Somewhere, somehow, these sayings have been etched deeply into my psyche. Add to that my introverted and shy nature, which naturally leads me to want to avoid any attention, and you have a recipe for one quiet person. But then you contrast that with my desire to create, my desire to share, my desire (dare I say it) to lead… and you get quite a bit of inner turmoil.
You get someone who wants to do something really well, with all her heart, and have other people see it and join in. Without her having to say anything.
Yeah, right.
I’ve learned that doesn’t happen. To grow anything, relationships online, a following for your art, a business, you have to get the word out there. You have to share your message with confidence and heart. You have be able to say, “Here I am, and I have something GOOD to share with you.” You have to willing to talk and talk and talk about the good stuff you are doing, so the message is heard. It’s called marketing.
All the while, the inner voice is quietly reprimanding, “Don’t brag. Don’t toot your own horn. Don’t hog the spotlight. Be humble. Keep quiet about your accomplishments, the right people will know.” But they don’t always know, do they? Sometimes you have to tell them.
Hence, the apologies. The apologies sometimes come along to quiet that inner voice, I’m thinking. When I’m talking about what I create and do and have to offer others, if I apologize, I can keep that voice at bay. Sort of. I still feel it, deep down. I know this, because when I get any sort of feedback that validates this voice, even if it’s as simple as one person marking my newsletter as spam, it’s deeply felt. The voice comes back with a vengeance, “See? I told you so! Stop talking about this stuff!”
*Sigh*
I’m sorting this out. It’s a bit new and raw right now, this realization of why I might be apologizing. But like all of the things I’ve sorted through in the past that led to some sort of personal growth, it has to start this way. It starts with an inkling; some sort of clue to follow. We’ll see where it leads next.
This really resonates with me too. My previous career was in marketing, so I know the hows and the whys and if it’s something that I am not personally invested in, it somehow seems much more manageable. The problem for me comes when it is marketing myself, in all those things that you list. I think some of it for me is that old thing of ‘well I’m not an expert (whatever that means!) so I can’t really talk about it with any authority’ – even though that has no bearing at all in what attracts me to other people’s work. I think it takes a lot of guts to own what you do and say, hey listen this is what I do and it’s GOOD and you should be a part of it too. A lot of this is why I chose the word ‘brave’ as my word for this year…I’m working on it but to be honest, so far I haven’t really come up with any answers. Very much looking forward to seeing what you come up with….and very happy to share if I get any sudden illumination! Looking forward to seeing the other comments too and how others deal with this. Thank you for raising it.
I know of what you speak. I was brought up in a very strict family. I was told repeatedly to speak only when spoken to. I was told that no one is interested in what I have to say and that I would amount to nothing. The result was that I am, as you say you are, very shy. I read such articles as this one and tell myself I have to change…to put myself forward. But as soon as I’m confronted by others I shrink into the background, making myself as invisible as possible because that is, I was taught, the right thing to do. You’d think I would have learned after all these years that those teachings have done me more harm than good. So my creations remain mine, a private collection if you wish. Just signing up for your course and having to share some of my work is hard for me to do even from behind the veil of the Internet.
Vi
When I was in high school in the 40s and 50s, the overwhelming emphasis was on being “well-rounded.” Translated this meant, don’t excel at anything, don’t stand out; (the exception was sports; it always was acceptable to excel at especially the major sports). Seth Godin in his book, “The Icarus Deception,” talks about how we don’t know the entire myth. We are very aware of the warning against hubris; what we don’t know is that it warns against flying too low. The world certainly does not need more mediocrity. I think that we need to do the very best we can at whatever about which we feel passionate. Then we need to put it out there. We certainly don’t need to brag about it, but we do enrich the world by sharing it. If you love what you have created, the overwhelming odds are that there are others who not only will love it as well, they would love to see it.
It constantly amazes me the parallels that exist for so many creatives… I think especially for my generation as so many of us came from strict parents who seemed to deem creative life as play and not worthy and I think many of us learned to be slightly ashamed by what we wanted to do… to this day my parents are horrified at what I do and don’t understand why I don’t go back to a real job… but I figure every step into the blog world or every piece of art is a triumph against all that… so that is a great thing… and I am so happy you push yourself out there because your work is a joy… awesome post…xx