[F]itting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.
— Brené Brown in Daring Greatly
Are you trying to fit in anywhere? Have you noticed yourself shifting or adjusting, thinking, If I just do this, I’ll fit right in. I do it all the time. It seems to be my go-to thought process in any new situation. It’s like survival instinct, learned in junior high: Assess the situation and see what needs to happen to fit in.
In our world of always connecting and social media, it’s easy to want to fit in. I mean, it’s all right there in hard, cold numbers: Followers, Likes, Comments. It’s easy to get sucked into the vortex, using those numbers to feel accepted and valued. But if we drive ourselves for likes, comments, followers… are we trying to fit in or are we finding we belong? My thinking: Anytime we do something with the intent to get someone else’s approval, we are trying to fit in. When we do something for our own reasons, and then get some positive feedback and approval, we belong.
With joining Instagram I’ve gone through this full cycle all over again. A new platform, starting from zero. Hey, I’m a numbers girl. They attract me, and it’s easy to watch the numbers. The follower count. The number of likes. It’s easy to start to assess what gets the most likes and what doesn’t. To let that sway my creation.
But when I take a step back and ask: Do I create for others or do I create for me? The answer is always, unequivocally, for me. And when I do create for myself, and when I connect with people who like my work, it’s with a sense of belonging and not fitting in. Because I’ve put my real self out there, when I do find connection and acceptance, it’s much more meaningful. No more trying to fit in. Junior high is long over.
This lesson has come back to me so many times in the online world… From Facebook friends, to blog comments and hits, to followers on Twitter and Instagram. None of them matter. My worth is not wrapped up in a number. I have learned, over and over, that I would rather have 2 engaged and real connections than 20,000 likes. Maybe it’s not the smartest business or marketing thing to do, but it’s the only way I know to live with myself. It’s the only sustainable choice for me. And, at times, it’s scary as hell.
Brené Brown states it so very perfectly, this difference between fitting in and belonging. It makes me take a hard look and ask myself, “What am I trying to do?”
My answer is to sit up straighter, take a deep breath, and commit to being myself. Thanks for being here with me as I continually search and find the center of who I am through my creativity. I hope you feel that you belong here too.
Hi Kat, a very good piece of writing. I had written a whole answer and brushed something on my mouse which made the page disappear and deleted my writing.
So I’ll start again!
With time, I have learnt how to commit to being myself even if it doesn’t seem to ‘fit in’ with other’s expectations of me. It isn’t always the easiest thing to do or to live with – as I’ve noticed when I don’t conform to other’s way of thinking or acting or being, I am considered to be either strange and/or non conformist. This used to bother me a lot as my upbringing and education was based on ‘fitting in’ on conforming and not questioning.
My photography has helped me enormously in really being myself, who I am without pretence. It is an important part of my journey which helps me connect to like-minded people who are also learning to be who they really are.
I think that I’m basically a non-conformist who was forced into a certain mould for many years and I am now at last breaking free!
I hate it when that happens Sandra! I wonder if most of us come to a time that we no longer worry about fitting in. I think living in Italy helped me. Once I realized I was never, ever going to look, speak, or act Italian, I could drop all pretense of trying to fit in. I could only be me. That helped me in the return back to my home culture. How has living in another culture for so long affected you, do you think? Similar to me, or different?
Thank you for this thoughtful post. I just fell in love with Instagram recently and get “likes” from people who do that to increase their number of followers. The social media sites kind of set us up for the numbers game. Thank you for making the distinction between belonging and fitting in. It’s a perfect guide. I follow you on Instagram because I’m interested in what you are doing and love your imagery.
If you have time to check it out, here’s my Instagram handle: http://instagram.com/hiphotog
Aloha!
Awesome Robin! I’ve just followed you back, since this is exactly the kind of connection I want to have online. I look forward to seeing you there!
Quotes from Brene have been stalking me everywhere lately…I think I need to get that book. : )
I have the same urge to collect numbers but then it also becomes a time game…how much time are you willing to put into superficial relationships vs those with more substance – real life and Internet life?
I love the time tradeoff you bring into it Jessica. So true, we have limited time, why not spend it on relationships of substance?
Kat,
This post really speaks to where I am right now. I have Brene’s book and have been reading it, enjoying it and learning so much.
That numbers game is so tiring and so not worth it. Your comparison to Junior High is right on.
As I have learned this for myself I made the decision to remove the blogger gadget that shows the number of followers on my blog. Yes, I can see how many there are in the admin section, but the simple act of taking that off my main page has helped me put in perspective what I wanted my blog to be in the first place. A creative outlet, a place to share.
Creating for myself, regardless of what others think, and without thinking about the numbers…all of that together is a part of a lesson that keeps repeating itself every few months. More like a 2-by-4 that keeps hitting me on the head…
Great move on eliminating the gadget, Deborah. If we don’t want to be motivated by numbers removing the reminders can only help. You stay focused on what is important to you, and ultimately are happier. I think we are all passing around the same 2×4. 🙂
I’ve gone through this circle myself and even though there is the urge to want to fit in it is ultimately when we be ourselves that we are the happiest. Loved this post, very though provoking.
Yes! When we are ourselves we are happiest. True words.
Oh, I’m finally getting a chance to check out your post, and I’m always amazed at the timing in the Universe…aren’t you?!
As someone who has pink highlights, I guess fitting in isn’t something that concerns me much, and I’m not a conformer for the sake of fitting in. . . but the feeling of belonging…yes, we all want and need to feel that. You hit the nail on the head for me as what I shared on my blog today was really more about the sense of belonging.
And like my friend Kathryn above said, happiness does come from being our authentic selves, especially when the creating comes from the heart and for the sake of creating and nothing else. Loved this, and Brene’s book is one of many books on my list for Santa.
Pink highlights! I love it! The universe has put us as companions on the same path Kim, I am sure of it. I’m so glad too!
Sandra sent me here, Kat, as we’ve been discussing something similar. It takes courage to create your own path and it can be more lonely than going with the crowd. But in the end it’s worthwhile.
Numbers can give a sense of positive feedback, but numbers can also lie as others have pointed out. And sometimes it’s so easy to dash off an approving comment on something conventional, because we know the words to express what we like. Or, if we’re not sure, then again people go with the crowd and like that their friends like.
When you do something more creative, less expected, well I think sometimes it will strike a chord but people don’t always have the words to explain why. So they pass on silently, but not without gaining from the photo or art. I guess what I’m trying to say is that silence feels in this social networking world like disapproval. Yet sometimes it’s altogether a different thing.
What a wonderful perspective Indigo. It is true, sometimes when you see something different you don’t have words for it. You may even initially DISlike it, or think you do, because you have a strong reaction to it. It may take time to understand your reaction and internalize it. I find that I used to reject anything new, and then ideas would grow on me. Now I notice when I’m rejecting something new, and stay open to what those feelings are telling me. There’s usually a message in there somewhere.
Very wise words…they resonate! Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Thank you for stopping by Sherri!
Amen. I have been blogging for over eight years. When I started my new ‘photo’ blog I did it with the thought that ‘this is for me and my enjoyment…to track my journey as a photographer’….and not once have I thought of throwing in the towel on this one as I did with my other blogs…because this time around I am doing it for me.
Yep, that is always the best motivation for long-term success! I’ve found it makes all the difference.